One thing I frequently observe is that we all tend to criticise others easily, whether they are perfect strangers, children, friends, relatives or our own parents.
It could be that the defects we see in others actually reflect traits of our own character that we struggle to accept, and that we tend to underline them in others as a way of keeping our distance from such traits; other times, we are unable to tolerate diversity as it is something we cannot handle so it scares us.
The human mind tends to economise on resources, so it’s easier to handle things if we put them into categories, and this makes us more efficient. At times, however, this may lead us to draw hasty conclusions, stopping us from being open and learning new things.
We use the same labels that we use to categorise others also for ourselves, and end up convincing ourselves that we are made in a certain way; we tell ourselves that we are untidy, impatient, or incapable of doing something. There are also times when these labels end up placing limits on us.
We can learn to embrace what we see as our defects and start to accept them, understanding their real meaning. In this way, we can open up to new horizons. We could start by telling ourselves: “I can be a bit untidy”, “I can be impatient at times”, or “right now I’m struggling with this”, so as to avoid categorising certain trends as absolute and leave ourselves an opening for new alternatives.
This would make us feel so good and we should really tell ourselves: “You were good, you were brave, you did what you could do and that's OK, this time you didn't make an effort, next time you can do better” and leave ourselves alone for the things we were not ‘good’ at in a certain moment or in a certain way.
On the other hand, when we criticise others, it would be a good idea to pause for a moment and ask ourselves the utility of what we are about to say for ourselves and for the other person and, only if we think it would be helpful and considering the sensitivity of the other person, express our point of view.
“Look at that woman, the way she’s dressed is not appropriate for her age, for her figure…”, or “Did you hear how that guy was talking?”
These examples, which we can find in everyday life, can help us reflect as to how much each of us has a little voice inside us that is always ready to criticise others as well as ourselves. We look at ourselves from the outside and criticise ourselves for skills we do not have, we compare ourselves with others and consider ourselves inferior (there is always someone better than us at something), not good enough, not smart enough…
What is the point of us constantly observing ourselves and finding faults? Does it help us to grow and improve or does it have the opposite effect of holding us back even more, “I’ll never be that good anyway”?
Judging things, life stories, joys and sufferings that we do not know can only do harm, both to those who suffer the judgements and to ourselves. We may be in for a lot of embarrassment when we find out what things are like behind the scenes.
It is not possible for us to know everything about everyone's life and neither should we. Each of us has our own little secrets or things that we would not like to share with others. We have the right to have our own little box where we keep some things that only we can look at or only show to a few people we trust.
What would our life be like if we were to practise criticising and judging less and appreciating and complimenting ourselves and others more?
Compliments don’t cost anything.
How often as children would we have liked to be praised for doing something well, even if it was not perfect? How much would we have preferred to hear a compliment instead of being constantly corrected? It would be nice to grow up with a good balance between constructive criticism and the right appreciation at the right time.
We could reflect on how helpful it would be, for the people around us, if we sometimes reminded them how beautiful, how precious they are to us and just what good a gesture, a hug, a smile did us.
You could start today by trying to show appreciation to our children, our loved ones or even a stranger, to see the smile you earn ☺
Enjoy the rehearsal!